On being an emotionally closed book

04 August

Feelings are weird.

I'm an emotional person, but I'm also really not. Things upset me really easily, but I hardly ever cry or show my true feelings. 

Instead, I go into my shell and distance myself from everyone and everything until I feel ready to face the world again. Or I crack jokes in the hope that nobody will notice my sour mood.

Giving yourself time is a good thing, but not in the way I do it. It means that I avoid my feelings instead of facing them head on.

It means that instead of letting the people who care about me know how I'm feeling so they can help, or at least give me a hug, I struggle alone.

And in turn, every time this happens I isolate myself more and more until it gets to the point where so much has happened that I can't tell anyone about it because there's too much to tell and they would be upset that I hadn't opened up before.

Some really bad stuff has happened in the last few weeks. I can't talk about it because it makes me feel sad and stupid.

Even though I was the "victim" of what happened, I find myself feeling bad for the people responsible. They've apologised in words, but not in actions. They've tried to make me see it from their perspective, instead of owning up to the fact that they did something shitty.

What's happened has left me lost. I'm questioning my choices and I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone again.

Food doesn't taste of anything anymore. I used to be like the Duracell bunny and now I'm permanently on the verge of falling asleep. I keep getting headaches and stomach aches when I'm usually never ill.

My work has suffered. My blog has suffered. I don't want to do anything that isn't watching crap TV in bed.

I feel sad, angry, confused, silly. I want to move on, but at the same time I don't. It's weird. It's like picking at a scab: you know you're going to make it worse in the long run but you still relish doing it.

Something I'm feeling a lot lately is that nobody cares. Unless you start (or stop) doing something that affects them they don't give a shit. I'm not the kind of person who will be openly sad in front of people I know; I'm a people pleaser and I'd hate for someone to think of me as rude. So I'll continue to be upbeat and sarcastic, but secretly I'm annoyed that they haven't noticed that I'm unhappy.

My friends send messages of love but don't act on it. How can you call someone your best friend when you barely speak to them?

So, where does that leave me?

I'm going to get back to normal if I can. I have two exams early next month, so I'm focusing most of my energy on preparing for them and saving the rest for blogging, work and seeing family.

There was no point to this post, it was just a cathartic offloading of feelings. I don't like to put negativity out there, but sometimes you've just got to write it all down and hope it helps.

Thanks for all the love over the past few weeks. You're the best.


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